I almost feel a themed series of blog posts stirring up in me to publish with all that God’s been showing me lately. However if you read my posts, you already know I like this page to be more spontaneously inspired. But what God wills for me, I will seek out and pursue to the best of my discernment! The theme on my heart is as follows.
God’s working in me something huge, to shed more light and truth amidst the darkness of my past. Pulling back one-by-one, the distorted layers of my heart formed there.
Why I experienced what I did, why I believed what I did, why I become who I became. I look back on the life I lived, who I was, the tattoos and scars etched in my skin, with so little clarity of who that person was. As though it were someone else entirely, living in my body as I witnessed them take the lead over my life, watching my life pass by like an awful horror film.
Gripped by self-denial, taking comfort in others’ approval, in pursuit to achieve an image that the world might love me for. Basking in all their (oh so temporary) attention, affection, and friendship.
As the friendships and affections of others’ proved themselves so fleeting, my reactions were never emotionally stable. Especially in adolescence, I struggled to deal with all the heartbreaks, stress, and pressure.
Allowing all those negative reactions and emotions to turn inward into self-hatred had to be the greatest cause for experiencing such dark years.
All my rebellion with abuse of alcohol, drugs, engaging in harmful relationships, tarnishing my body and my reputation, were side effects of a true desire to have zero care for myself. In grips of dark delusion and possession, I remember my constant mentality and reasoning for everything I did was just wanting to die, so “so what”.
It’s been a process to uncover those thought tendencies, but God has been such an amazing miracle-worker, healer, and teacher. I still need to remind myself to live and act in a way which expresses care for myself in everything, so I don’t fall back into any unloving, destructive thoughts. After all, thought produces action, which produces outcome. The Lord has been the greatest help in promising that my life will never stoop to those wretched outcomes again. Hallelujah.
I’ve been blessed to better understand my true identity and image now. Even with those possible permanent scars etched in my skin that haunt me at times. God tells me the scars on my heart and in my mind are not permanent.
The following passage is from a very interesting read on God’s truth of sexuality in terms of homosexuality. While homosexuality or even sexuality isn’t my focus for this post specifically, I’ve been impressed with the explanation of identity and how it relates to what God’s teaching me.
“Although humankind fell into sin, the image of God was only distorted, not lost. The image Dei was effaced but not eradicated. And the good news is the promise of glorification in which God’s faithful ones will no longer sin or even struggle with sin (Revelation 21:27). For now, our fallenness is only temporary; it isn’t an integral aspect of who we are. The truth of the matter is that sin and its consequences are subsidiary rather than essential to being human. Sin is universal and pervasive, but it isn’t who we are. Every sinful person is still a person created in God’s image. Regardless of anyone’s age, sex, or race; regardless of whether one is in submission to God or not; and regardless of whether a person experiences same-sex attraction or identifies as gay or lesbian- everyone is created in the image Dei. It’s inherent to who we are and is never erased.”(Yuan, Christopher. Holy Sexuality and the Gospel. Pg 18-19)
The hope in that is so great, the image of God is not destroyed from us because of what we’ve done.
A year ago when I found Jesus, He told me- don’t worry about what you’ve done anymore. I welcome you home, to be with me, mess and all, tattoos, scars and all. I don’t see you for your past nor your regrets because I’ve taken care of it already. You are my child, there’s nothing you have to hide or clean up before coming to me, that was my job.
I’ve been changed and saved. To this day I stand in awe of that miracle and thank the Lord continually.
“and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.”(Matthew 6:12 ESV)
Learning to forgive myself as God forgives me. For so long I was the debtor to myself.
I am who God says I am, not what my flesh mind tends to tell myself I am. And that is worthy of all the praise and joy!